


Not Anymore

by katebishoop



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Canon Compliant, Flashbacks, Galra Keith (Voltron), Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Season/Series 04, Project Kuron, Season/Series 04, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 12:08:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12457473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katebishoop/pseuds/katebishoop
Summary: Keith made a choice. There's aftermath.But there's only one person whose reaction matters.





	Not Anymore

_i. matt_

Keith's throat is tight, his heart is pounding, and he hasn't stopped shaking.  
  
Somehow, he's stopped flying. The walls around him are brown and dark and suddenly he feels like everything is closing in on him and there's a red light and-  
  
"Keith!"  
  
Keith jumps at the sound of his name. On the banging of the ship. What-?  
  
"Keith!" Matt. It's Matt. He must be on Matt's ship. "Keith, open up."  
  
It takes him a minute, but he manages to hit the hatch release, and then through the darkness, he sees Matt's face.  
  
"Keith." Matt chokes out. And he may say something else, but Keith can't really hear him.  
  
And then, there's a light in Keith's eye, and the world starts coming back to him.  
  
"Responding to visual stimuli, that's good." A voice says. One of the rebels that Keith doesn't know.  
  
He's squeezing something tight, and when he looks over it is Matt, holding his hand tight. A lifeline, anchoring him.  
  
"You ready to get off the ship?" Matt asked, softly.  
  
Keith manages a nod, and normally he'd be ashamed about how wobbly his legs are, but all he can feel is the rhythm in his chest, the bomb ticking, the countdown-  
  
He fumbles, but Matt catches him, and leads him to a crate to sit down.  
  
There's a blanket around his shoulders now, but he's still clutching Matt's hand.  
  
"Keith..." Matt moves to look into Keith's face, but he can't quite meet his eyes. "Keith, you're safe now. You're on a rebel ship. We're on route to the castle of Lions. You're..."  
  
When Keith doesn't respond, Matt shakes his head, looking down.  
  
"What were you thinking?" Matt says, more to himself than to Keith.  
  
_Keith screams as his ship takes a hit, nearly knocking him out of his seat. All around him, the rebel ships fire, but it’s making no dents whatsoever._

_Matt’s face appears on Keith’s screen. “We’ll never penetrate those shields.”_

_And something clicks, something shifts within Keith’s core. And he’s not really talking to Matt when he says: “Maybe not with our weapons.”_

_He grips the controls and accelerates. He knows what he has to do, what he is meant to do._

_“Wait! Keith! What are you doing?” Matt yells over the comms. “Keith, no!”_

_But he’s going too fast, too determined. He’s bracing himself for impact, eyes shut tight and one thing, one person on his mind-_  
  
"The mission." Keith says, through a raw throat and cracked lips.  
  
Matt head snaps up, and Keith finally focuses on his eyes. So much like Pidge.  
  
"The mission." Keith says again. He wishes he could better articulate everything racing through his head, of how in his mind he's still ramming full speed at the shield. "The mission is more important than the individual."  
  
Matt doesn't say anything, because what can you say to that? He just squeezes his hand tighter.  
  
Keith finds the strength to squeeze back.

* * *

_ii. Kolivan_

Kolivan is waiting for him when Keith leaves the rebel ship. Keith's still shaken up - whenever a red light flashes, he jumps - but he's pulled himself together for now.  
  
Kolivan doesn't have to say anything for Keith to follow.  
  
"You have not been a cadet for some time." Kolivan says. "You are a fully fledged Blade, through and through."  
  
Keith doesn't know if he should feel proud, he's having trouble feeling anything. And, Kolivan isn't one to praise.  
  
"That is what is worrying me."  
  
Keith blinks at Kolivan, and for the first time since before the battle, he stops thinking for a second. "What?"  
  
"There is duty to the cause, to the mission. Above one's own life above themselves." Kolivan drops his mask. "And then there is chasing it."  
  
Keith doesn't have to ask what he's chasing.

_“I’ll do it.” Keith stands up. He feels if he sits a moment longer he’ll burst._

_“What?” Allura asks._

_“I’ll sneak onto Zarkon’s ship. I’m Galra so I can interact with their technology.” Keith explains. “Pidge, you can rig up one of those cloaking devices on a pod, right?”_

_Pidge frowns. “Well, yeah-“_

_“Going into Zarkon’s ship is a suicide mission.” Kolivan says. “I would never command someone so inexperienced to go on a mission so dangerous.”_

_Keith bristles at the tone. “No one’s commanding me. I’m doing it.”_

"You were a paladin of Voltron before you were a Blade." Kolivan says. "You may have to return one-"  
  
"No." Keith unsheathes his knife. He remembers the night when his father pressed the knife into his hands. He remembers the sweat sticking to his neck, the hum of the grasshoppers, and that mosquito that wouldn't leave him alone. He remembers how cool the blade felt, huge in his small hands. "No. I was a Blade first."  
  
Kolivan's face, like always, is unreadable.  
  
"I am not saying that I am against what you did, or rather try to do." Kolivan says, "That is the life of a Blade. I am simply acknowledging a pattern of behavior. A pattern of behavior that only has one possible conclusion."  
  
Keith flashes back to the Galra cruiser. It was him or Voltron. Him, or the team.  
  
Him, or…  
  
"Knowledge or death." Keith says, but right now, he isn't sure of the answer.

* * *

_iii. coran_

"Number four." Coran says as soon as he enters the bridge, even though he hasn't fit in the lineup, not in a while. He feels a tingle at the nickname, but he can't quite place what it means. "I'm glad you're alright."

"Same to you." Keith gives him a tight smile. The more time passes, the heavier he feels. His bones being called back to the earth.  
  
"Keith." Coran says, and Keith steals himself. The name, the tone - he knows where this is going. "What you did, it was reckless-"  
  
_A large humanoid flies down to the Black Lion, and Keith feels a shiver run down his spine. “Who is that?”_

_Coran’s gasp echoes over the comms. “It’s Zarkon! Keith, get out of there now! Zarkon is too powerful!”_

_And suddenly, Keith sees red. Because here is the villain who’ve they’ve been fighting, who has enslaved and murdered millions, who hurt Shiro in ways unimaginable._

_“This is my chance to put an end to the Galra Empire.” Keith’s hands clench over Red’s controls. “I have to take it!”_

_“Keith!” Coran’s voice is barely a buzz in his ears. “Don’t-!”_

"It was the only option, Coran." Keith's voice is hard. "We needed to break through the shield."  
  
"Keith, you could have..."  
  
_I_ would _have died._  
  
"If I hadn't, and Lotor hadn't come, they'd be dead." Keith's hands clench into fists. "Allura would be dead."  
  
That shut him up.  
  
Coran looks guilty, but he shouldn't be. Allura is more important than Keith.  
  
They all are.

* * *

_iv. lotor_  


They bring Lotor to the dining room, handcuffed, but still, it doesn't feel like enough.  
  
Keith keeps his mask up when they meet with Lotor. Keith doesn't know if Lotor's seen his face before, but it's more to shield himself than to hide his identity. The look of sheer relief on his face when the team walks in is too sensitive information for Lotor.  
  
Allura. Lance. Hunk. Pidge.  
  
Shiro.  
  
They are alive, that's what matters.  
  
Lotor tells a tale about wanting a better future, a better Galra empire. He wants self-rule of the planets, uniting under the Galra. Not unlike our coalition, he claims.  
  
A temporary truce, or a long-term agreement. He'll take either.  
  
"You’re on your own." Shiro says. "We have your ship made from the comet. You have nothing else to offer us."  
  
Lotor cocks his head to the smile. "Am I not even owed gratitude for saving your lives? Voltron, and all those in the systems that works have been destroyed?"  
  
"We could have done it without you." Lance scoffs. "Keith was about to take it down when you showed up."  
  
"If you believe that, then you owe me for saving your friends life." Lotor raises an eyebrow. "Flying a Galra fighter directly into the shield would have been suicide."  
  
Keith's blood runs cold.  
  
He's thankful for the mask, for it hides the sheen of sweat on his face.  
  
All his friends’ heads snap to him then. Keith gets a brief glimpse of their faces, shocked and confused. But he avoids Shiro's face entirely. He couldn't bear to see his reaction.  
  
"Oh, so you're Keith then?" Lotor says with a grin. "You're welcome."  
  
Keith doesn't move, he doesn't dare move.  
  
"A Galra through and through. Victory or death."  
  
_“You fight like a Galra solider.”_

_Those words echo in his mind, fueling the flames as they chase after Lotor._

_But the planet’s too unstable, and they’re blind, and Lotor is too fast._

_“Keith, we have to go back for Allura.” Lance says, but Keith doesn’t change course._

_“Keith, you’re splitting up the team!” Lance yells. “Keith, don’t do this!”_

_Keith’s got tunnel vision and suddenly he seems himself ramming into Lotor’s ship, crashing both of them into the rock, it bursting into flames-_

_And Keith screams, but he pulls back._ __  
  
"If you can work with those Galra, I don't see why you can't work with me."  
  
And just like that, it's back to talks.  
  
Keith can't listen to it anymore. When he's sure they've all stopped watching him, he slips out.

* * *

_v. allura, pidge, lance, hunk_

  
Keith doesn't try to hide from them. He knows he won't be able to, not in the Castle.  
  
And he couldn't just leave. They'd never forgive him.  
  
But then again, hadn't he already left.  
  
He's in the kitchen, but he's not eating. He'd just lose it probably.  
  
"There you are." It's Pidge, but Keith can hear footsteps behind her.  
  
There's no point in hiding, so he turns around.

“Matt told us what you did.” Allura bows her head. “Or rather, tried to do.”

“I did what had to be done.” Keith says. He looks at them dead on, but he can’t meet any of their eyes. But he sees, in a glimpse, the notable absence of black armor.

Lance steps forward. “Dude, Keith, do you realize what you’re-”

“I would make the same choice again.” And that’s the bitter truth, isn’t it? The part that gives him clarity and balance: that he’d make that choice again, with the same fiery resolve.

_He doesn’t want a lecture, and he tells Allura that, but that doesn’t stop her._

_“…I suppose what I’m trying to say is, the Marmora can go on without you. They have for thousands of years.” It’s harsh, and her change of tone is a twist in his gut. “Voltron cannot.” But then she gets softer, and that’s even worse. “We cannot.”_

_And as she walks away, Keith closes his eyes. He thinks he’s been at terms with it for a while, but it feels like the right time now. They lost Regris today. That could easily be Keith, on any of these missions. These missions that were doing more than boosting morale._

_Keith would give his life for the mission. He was just another piece on the board, doing as much as possible, whatever it took._

_Voltron is bigger than that. Keith is not._

“It’s like you said Allura, Voltron is more than a weapon. It’s a symbol of hope.” Keith stands up. “Without Voltron, there is no hope. Voltron is worth it.”

Hunk’s eyebrows furrow together. “Keith, you’ll always be a part of the team-“

Keith feels a sad, pitying smile grace his face. “No, I’m not. I haven’t been for a while.”

“And whose choice was that?” Lance snaps.

Keith straightens himself up. “I am a Blade. I am a sword in the darkness that fights for peace. I will live and see my mission through, or I will die to further the cause. It’s the end result, not the means.”

_"We’d be delivering the universe’s greatest weapon to its biggest threat.”_

_“That’s cold, even for you.”_

_“Team Voltron would have gone back for Regris. I went back to save the mission.”_

_"Maybe not with our weapons.”_

That’s where the difference lies between him and the rest of Voltron. Keith has already accepted his death. He’s already accepted the deaths of the rest of the Blades.

But he can’t accept his friend’s deaths.

And they need to accept his.

“Keith… you were going to die.” Hunk begins, voice shaking. “Are… are you alright? How are you feeling?”

“Content.” Keith lies, easily. He’s still shaken up – he doesn’t feel the high of cheating death, but a choke from having death cheat him. Still, he knows that he’d do it again.

The light flashes in Pidge’s glasses and Keith thinks he sees a glimpse of tears there. “You didn’t tell us – you, you weren’t going to say goodbye.”

Pidge is angry, and Keith’s angry too. He’s angry that when the time really does come, for any of them, there will be no time to say goodbye. He had had a chance this past time, but he had chosen not to take it. It would have made it worse, so, so much worse. Pidge knows that.

“I already had.” Keith says instead, and the shock on their faces breaks his heart a little bit.

Walking away isn’t harder than it was before, either.

* * *

_vi. shiro_

It’s a blessing and a curse when Shiro finally finds Keith. Or rather, Keith finds Shiro. He’s talking to Kolivan, but when Kolivan spots Keith, he nods and Shiro and heads into their ship. They’re heading back out today. They need to regroup far from prying eyes.

He’s been avoiding Shiro, couldn’t bear to see his face, his reaction, not sure of what possible one makes him feel worse-

Shiro’s face is completely neutral when he turns around.

“Keith.” Shiro says, “I’m glad to have caught you before you go.”

Keith sighs. “Look, if you’re going to-”

“I’m proud of you, Keith.” Shiro says, and it feels like a slap in the face. “You made the right call, even though it probably wouldn’t have worked.”

“What?” Keith breathes out.

“Your small fighter wouldn’t have taken out the shield.” Shiro says, “I hate to say it, but Lotor did save us all.”

Keith bristles.

“So your sacrifice would have been for nothing.” Shiro goes on. “You need to be smarter. You don’t have the team to fall back on anymore.”

_“No, you’re only thinking of yourself, as usual.”_

_“Then you’ve chosen to be alone.”_

Everyone else’s reactions he didn’t care about. Just Shiro’s. He should be happy that Shiro understands that sacrifices like that needed to be done.

But.

 _But_.

“I think Kolivan is waiting for you.” Shiro says. “He said you’d all be back within a few quintants. We’ll see you then.”

Keith, on instinct, reaches out his hand, but Shiro just steps around him and walks away.

He didn’t know which time feels worse. Just that this feels like a knife twisting in his gut, like the final nail in the coffin.

Any doubts Keith had about leaving were gone now.

He had made the right choice, both times.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally I was going to do It's the Real Shiro but ahahaha I like pain too much.


End file.
